$3.00 and change

That's how much I paid to go watch the 10 o'clock showing of The Help tonight. Personally I think that that movie is easily worth 10 times that much.
I had seen a preview and thought "I'd like to see that sometimes. Maybe I should rent it." But now I feel like kicking myself for not going to see it sooner.
I laughed, I cried and I said "Oh my God". I didn't mean it in a blasphemous way so don't freak out. But believe me, it had to be said. There were no other words.
As much as I love the other movies I've seen come out in recent years this by far surpasses them all. And honestly, I highly recommend you see it for yourself. You don't have to, so relax. But I'm putting it out there as a suggestion. Consider it, is all I'm saying.

Set in the 1960's during the Civil Rights movement a young woman decides to write a book about the African American maid's point of view on the white families that they're working for and the things they have to deal with on a daily basis.
So this book was considered to be extremely controversial and was technically illegal to even write. Let alone publish. So these women had to hide who they were by changing their names. And it took a horrible occurrence for these maids to step forward and tell their stories.
For a lot of the women portrayed in both the book (which I am now dying to read) and in the movie survival was their only goal. Not just for themselves but for their own families. These women had to cook, clean, wash, shop and raise the children for these white families. And the slightest discretion could see them out the door in two shakes.

What really got me was that this was how it was for years. Decades! And none of these people could do anything about it. Not without later being hung, shot or worse. For generations these people were slaves. And when owning a slave was no longer sanctioned these people were given wages. So now they weren't slaves, they were employees. But how does that make it any better when these people were still treated as something less than people?
"Yes ma'am. No ma'am."
It kind of scares me a little and makes me feel a little sick knowing that for so long that that was just how it was. That it was okay. That this could go on and everyone simply looked the other way.
Black people were not allowed to use the same washrooms as white people, some weren't allowed in certain stores. There were restaurants that were divided so that the whites and blacks were separate. People believed that simply because they had a different skin colour that they carried horrible diseases.
All the while these women cared for their children. Raised them. And the worst thing is that the majority of those children turned out just like their parents.

Even today there is so much discrimination. People causing others pain--physically or emotionally--just because they're of a different ethnic background. It scares me, not going to lie.
People claim that they aren't racist. But don't lie to others like you do yourself. I'm sorry if that offends anyone but be honest.
White people take extreme care to not be racist. It's ridiculous. It really is. How did Russell Peters put it? Something along the lines of giving a simple description and not saying whether or not the person was of a different ethnicity or skin colour. Good grief.
I'm not saying that you should run around shouting things like "Oh my gosh, you're black! Did you know that you're Asian?"
At this point I'm ranting, I know, and I apologize if I'm not making sense anymore.

What I can't believe is that we basically came from that. That all actually happened. And I know we have our special day for Martin Luther to remember what he did for a nation, but does anyone take it to heart? After this movie and having it hit me where it hurts I doubt I'll ever be able to forget what happened all those years ago and what we still often struggle with today.

So thank you Lord for the country I live in and the family I have. And thank You everything You've ever done for me.

I sincerely hope that I didn't offend anyone too seriously with this blog. But I felt the need to say what I did. And again, I'm sorry if it doesn't make a lot of sense by the end. But there you have it.
The Help will be a movie I will watch again and again and again... Now I just need to get my hands on a copy of the book!

Y'all be grateful for what you have and don't you forget that: "You are kind. You are smart. You are important."

How Could You?

I love animals. Absolutely adore them. And I'd have tons of them if I could.
I love dogs, cats, horses, birds, rabbits.. You get the idea.

One of my dreams in life is to own a large enough property that I can build a rehabilitation center for dogs. I'd love to be able to make it large enough to take in other animals as well but I know more about dogs than any other animal.

And because I want to not only rehabilitate dogs but adopt my own as my pets I am always looking online at breeders and animal shelters. So tonight as I was browsing the web for Rottweiler rescue centers I came across one site with a short story that made me cry. It's sweet, sad and oh so true.

Why Rottweilers? For starters they are beautiful animals. Their build is powerful and strong but their eyes are gentle and warm. They are also extremely misunderstood. My aunt and uncle have a Rottweiler and she's a gem. She's the main reason I chose the breed.

There are so many out there that believe Rottweilers are horrible dogs. But what these people don't realize is that they're basing these opinions on what they know about one (or two) dogs in that breed. It isn't the breed itself that's bad. It's the dog itself that has the problem. And about 99% of the time the dog has a problem because of the owner. Yeah, I said it. And the same goes for any breed.

I'm not qualified as a dog trainer. What I know comes from Cesar Millan's show and basic common sense. So maybe, I don't know everything there is to know about dogs (or other animals), but what I do know is that it doesn't take much more than a look from you to make them happy.

So please, read the little story I found and try to tell me that a tear didn't come to your eye (I cried like a baby).

HOW COULD YOU?

By Jim Willis 2001


When I was a puppy, I entertained you with my antics and made you laugh. You called me your child, and despite a number of chewed shoes and a couple of murdered throw pillows, I became your best friend. Whenever I was "bad,"
you'd shake your finger at me and ask "How could you?" - but then you'd relent, and roll me over for a bellyrub.


My housebreaking took a little longer than expected, because you were terribly busy, but we worked on that together. I remember those nights of nuzzling you in bed and listening to your confidences and secret dreams, and I believed that life could not be any more perfect. We went for long walks and runs in the park, car rides, stops for ice cream (I only got the cone because "ice cream is bad for dogs," you said), and I took long naps in the sun waiting for you to come home at the end of the day.


Gradually, you began spending more time at work and on your career, and more time searching for a human mate. I waited for you patiently, comforted you through heartbreaks and disappointments, never chided you about bad decisions, and romped with glee at your home comings, and when you fell in love. She, now your wife, is not a "dog person" -still I welcomed her into our home, tried to show her affection, and obeyed her.

I was happy because you were happy. Then the human babies came along and I shared your excitement. I was fascinated by their pinkness, how they smelled, and I wanted to mother them, too. Only she and you worried that I might hurt them, and I spent most of my time banished to another room, or to a dog crate. Oh, how I wanted to love them, but I became a "prisoner of love."


As they began to grow, I became their friend. They clung to my fur and pulled themselves up on wobbly legs, poked fingers in my eyes, investigated my ears, and gave me kisses on my nose. I loved everything about them and their touch - because your touch was now so infrequent - and I would have defended them with my life if need be. I would sneak into their beds and listen to their worries and secret dreams, and together we waited for the sound of your car in the driveway.


There had been a time, when others asked you if you had a dog, that you produced a photo of me from your wallet and told them stories about me. These past few years, you just answered "yes" and changed the subject. I had gone from being "your dog" to "just a dog," and you resented every expenditure on my behalf.


Now, you have a new career opportunity in another city, and you and they will be moving to an apartment that does not allow pets. You've made the right decision for your "family," but there was a time when I was your only family.


I was excited about the car ride until we arrived at the animal shelter. It smelled of dogs and cats, of fear, of hopelessness. You filled out the paperwork and said "I know you will find a good home for her." They shrugged and gave you a pained look. They understand the realities facing a middle-aged dog, even one with "papers."


You had to pry your son's fingers loose from my collar as he screamed "No, Daddy! Please don't let them take my dog!" And I worried for him, and what lessons you had just taught him about friendship and loyalty, about love and responsibility, and about respect for all life. You gave me a good-bye pat on the head, avoided my eyes, and politely refused to take my collar and leash with you.


You had a deadline to meet and now I have one, too. After you left, the two nice ladies said you probably knew about your upcoming move months ago and made no attempt to find me another good home. They shook their heads and asked.... "How could you?"


They are as attentive to us here in the shelter as their busy schedules allow. They feed us, of course, but I lost my appetite days ago. At first, whenever anyone passed my pen, I rushed to the front, hoping it was you - that you had changed your mind - that this was all a bad dream... or I hoped it would at least be someone who cared..... anyone who might save me.


When I realized I could not compete with the frolicking for attention of happy puppies, oblivious to their own fate, I retreated to a far corner and waited. I heard her footsteps as she came for me at the end of the day, and I padded along the aisle after her to a separate room. A blissfully quiet room. She placed me on the table and rubbed my ears, and told me not to worry.


My heart pounded in anticipation of what was to come, but there was also a sense of relief. The "prisoner of love" had run out of days. As is my nature, I was more concerned about her. The burden which she bears weighs heavily on her, and I know that, the same way I knew your every mood.


She gently placed a tourniquet around my foreleg as a tear ran down her cheek. I licked her hand in the same way I used to comfort you so many years ago. She expertly slid the hypodermic needle into my vein. As I felt the sting and the cool liquid coursing through my body, I lay down sleepily, looked into her kind eyes and murmured "How could you?"


Perhaps because she understood my dogspeak, she said "I'm so sorry." She hugged me, and hurriedly explained it was her job to make sure I went to a better place, where I wouldn't be ignored or abused or abandoned, or have to fend for myself - a place of love and light so very different from this earthly place. With my last bit of energy, I tried to convey to her with a thump of my tail that my "How could you?" was not directed at her. It was you, My Beloved Master, I was thinking of. I will think of you and wait for you forever. May everyone in your life continue to show you so much loyalty.


The End - Jim Wllis


** A note from the author:
If "How Could You?" brought tears to your eyes as you read it, as it did to mine as I wrote it, it is because it is the composite story of the millions of formerly owned pets who die each year in American and Canadian animal shelters. Anyone is welcome to distribute the essay for a noncommercial purpose, as long as it is properly attributed with the copyright notice.

Week four.. And three

I skipped a whole week's worth of updates. Mostly by accident. Partly because I felt kinda bad.

The past two weeks I've been so tired and lethargic that I haven't been working out like I should be. Instead I've slept in every morning. It's not all bad though because I still do my lunges every night. So really I'm still getting half of my daily workouts done.

The reason I came up with the 6 week challenge for myself was so that I'd workout and get healthy. The reason I started blogging about it was so that I'd be accountable. Sadly that last bit has backfired in the last little bit.

But not a big deal because I will be getting back to it and I will finish this challenge.

And that is all.
Have a good day!

Week two and other stuff

I can't believe I'm done 2 weeks already. And of course I haven't noticed any major differences, but of course I haven't. It's only been two weeks.
These exercises are hard. And I'm so lazy sometimes that it takes a lot of will power to get up out of bed to do them. Ugh. I'm not a morning person but I prefer doing my workouts in the morning because then I can jump in a hot shower. In the evenings though, before bed, I do a minimum of 60 lunges. I love lunges. Everyone seems to think I'm crazy. Why?
And that's really about all there is to my 2nd week. Not that exciting.

Classes have been going for a month and a half and I feel like I'm not getting anywhere even though I know differently. But finishing by January is kind of daunting. I'm worried about it.
I'm worried about finding a job too. I haven't had any luck yet so I guess I need to pick up more applications and print out more resumes. It bugs me that when before it was so easy to find a job it's so difficult now. I know that places are hiring and so I hand in my applications, hoping for a call. But so far nothing. And I hate not having something to do after classes are done.

Well, that's all.
Later

Week One

Alrighty.. So I'm a little behind with an update on my 6 weeks.

The first week wasn't as crazy difficult as I would have liked because Thanksgiving weekend came up after just a couple days. So I spent the majority of my weekend in a car and eating Turkey. Not the best way to go about this eh? Ah well. I did my best by doing lunges and sit-ups when I could. Plus we did a ton of hiking.
But already I'm back into it. My legs feel like noodles every morning from the lunges I did the night before. And of course my abs feel like they're screaming cause of the sit-ups.
I don't know if any of you know of bodyrock.tv but that's where all my workouts and exercises are from. I went through the exercises and picked out several different ones and kind of just made up workouts with them. I try to avoid doing the same thing every day so I made up a couple different workouts to alternate with throughout the week. Each exercise works different areas of my body so by the time I'm done I'm sweating like a pig and my muscles hate my guts.

So that's all for week one.... And since I have nothing else to add I guess I'm done.

Have a good, safe weekend!

6 Weeks

Alright, so here's the deal:
I am trying to get back into my old fitness routine and I kind of sort of need your help. I find that even though I really want to get back into working out and getting back into shape I am unmotivated. Here's where you come in. You don't need to comment on this or even read it, so don't worry. But putting it out there (so to speak) I have to hold myself accountable.

And here's the part where the title of this blog becomes relevant:
I'm giving myself 6 weeks to lose a certain amount of body fat.. Also weight. Although muscle weighs more than fat so... You get the point. I don't want to go crazy or anything and say that by the end of this six weeks I want to lose 40 pounds. That's unrealistic. Not to mention that for my height that would make me look, well, gaunt. So I think that during this six weeks I will aim to lose approximately 15-20 pounds. That would mean I would have to lose approximately 3.333 lbs per week. Reasonable?

So at the end of every week.. Or beginning of every week.. I will post an update on my progress. You can bet that there will be plenty of complaining about sore muscles (sorry in advance!). And at the end of it depending on whether or not I feel at all comfortable with it I may post a before and after picture. The chances of that are slim. Just saying.
Also, every week when I post my update on my progress I will tell you which exercises I did and provide a link or two so you can get an idea of what the heck I'm doing.

So now that it's written down I will hit 'publish' and in a rather non-definitive way it's set in stone. Now I have to do this crazy idea instead of just thinking about doing it. Oh boy.

Wish me luck!

Can'tthinkofaclevertitletoday....

Well, wow. So Thursday was an unusual and seriously sucky day. (I know that's not a word, but it sums everything up so well that I'm leaving it) Day before yesterday I was in an accident. No, it was not my fault so those who are bugging me about my driving can stuff it. I was smack dab in the middle of a three car pile-up. Oh yay. It was one of those days. And the whole thing really could have been avoided, but hey, that's why it's called an accident right?
So a quick summary of what happened is that the driver of the vehicle behind me wasn't paying attention and had no chance of braking in time whereas I was at a complete stop. So he hit me and I hit the van in front of who almost hit the truck in front of him. Crazy or what? I sure think so.
So of course my first reaction is shock and a heck of a lot of scared thrown in. I burst into tears as only a girl can do. Everyone pulled onto a side street and the driver of the truck that hit me came running over to see if I was okay. My response? "I--I--don--I--I--thi--Oh GOD!" Yeah, I know.
Last night I went to the hospital because my neck and shoulders were so stiff that I really couldn't move without serious pain. So yay for whiplash. Thankfully it's not serious and I'll be fine with painkillers, physio and chiro. Whew!
Despite the horrible past couple of days I'm feeling good. I'm grateful that the worst injury I got was whiplash and that I have family and friends who love me and worry about me. So thanks you guys for checking up on me and I love you all so much for that.
And thank you for insurance! Lol!

And on a completely different note....

I am officially back to city living. Doesn't mean I like it (did ya read all that ↑?), but hey, if I want the degree then here is where I gotta be.
School is already a major bore.. But I think that's just because I've never liked school. So why should college be any different?
But... I am liking being closer to my parents and my sisters (all but one... that little girly is way far away :( .. for school). I'm not liking being so far from my best friend and her babies. But we'll be seeing each other! Often.. Somehow..
And I get to go for coffee this Monday with a new face... I'm hoping all goes well. :)
Plus I got a new computer! Yay!

And that I think is all I'm gonna say for now!

Times are a changin...

Last night I finished reading a book involving Scottish history. The majority of the facts were accurate.
This book ended with battle between the Scottish and the English in 1513. This would be the year of King James IV and King Henry the VIII. So here's what happened... King James had been forced to marry Margaret Tudor (Henry's sister) and finally, in 1512 she gave birth to a son, James V. During this time King Henry had his nobles begin raiding Scotland through their borders. The English navy would raid the shores and hang the captains of the Scottish ships and impressed their crews. Henry was a greedy young man (he was about 21 or so at the time) and wanted Scotland under his rule.
King James was a man loved by his people. Under his clothing he wore a belt of remorse made of iron. He wore this because of his father, the king before him, who had been a homosexual and had allowed his (for lack of a better word) concubines onto councils and placed them in places of high authority. Several earls and leaders of the many clans banded together and killed the king, placing James IV on the throne.
Now, for many years there was an alliance between Scotland and England. A bond of friendship known as the Auld Alliance. Clearly Henry decided to disregard this. At the same time, Scotland had an alliance with France so that if either country was invaded the other would retaliate. Henry, before attacking Scotland, invaded France. This of course prompted James to invade England.
So now comes the battle of Flodden just across the river Tweed and on English soil. I won't go into detail, you can look it up for yourselves, but suffice it to say that Scotland's advantage was turned around and their weapons were no match in the end for England's superior artillary. Scotland suffered a devastating loss. There are different accounts of this battle but it was estimated that nearly 20,000 Scottish died on the fields there. King James included. Several earls, lairds, abbots and an archbishop were among the dead. England's losses were few in comparison and did not affect their history as it did for the Scottish.
Thankfully for Scotland, Margaret Tudor was not about to let her brother take her kingdom and so she was set to marry a lesser noble (a common occurence) and would rule until her son, the new king, James V, would be able to take the throne.

Now, you're probably wondering why I gave you a history lesson. But here's why.

You notice any similarities between then and now?

We're still a warring people. We still have people wanting something that someone else has; land, material things, women/men. Have we really changed? Or are we still, at heart, the same as our ancestors? In so many ways we've advanced, changed, but in so many ways we're still the same. And in some ways it breaks my heart. Just because we walk straight, talk smoothly, dress nicely and feign kindness does not mean we are a changed race. Beneath all that spit and polish beat hearts filled with desires, greed, hopes, fears, love, hate.
And every day we bear witness to these things. Every where there is something new tradgedy reported from somewhere else in the world. Sadly, these are the things we are more familiar with, the things we are constantly exposed to.

So last night after reading this book I sat on my bed and prayed. I prayed that God would help me some how, some way make a difference. I'm not joining the army to go overseas to destroy. No, maybe that's what you think, but it's not. I'm joining the army to help make a difference. Either here in Canada or somewhere else in the world.
I'm still not entirely sure how God is going to use me but I'm praying that He'll show me soon enough.

Now.. Can someone tell me of a site where I can trace my ancestry? I'm cheap though and don't want to pay if I don't have to.

Verbal Vomit

Here comes a major rant. You've been warned.

For starters I hate having to leave my job. I really hate leaving. But that's not the major issue. I can't stand it when people, specifically customers, act really stupid. How many times should I have to tell a person that I cannot process a transaction? My computer is in pieces on the counter. I cannot process your stupid transaction. And no you can't leave with the item without paying for it. What are you thinking? Take your meds. Seriously. And yes, I do know where the bathroom is. I work here. I should know where it is. I mean really. And if you're not going to come into work have the decency to call in and let us know. Or have a doctor's note. Stupid irresponsible people.

No, I do not want to date. Thanks guys, I love you, but I really don't need a man in my life. I really don't. I know you mean well but please leave it alone. I really just want to focus on my career. I'm not going back to school to meet men or make friends. I know that sounds cold and a little selfish but get over it folks. It's the truth. So I'm sorry but please just back off on the whole dating front. Kay? Thanks.

Oh, and for all you stupid men out there who can't follow directions, ask for directions, call a woman, reply to an email, be honest, communicate with words, hold the door open, and so on and so forth.. Grow a set. Seriously.
Yeah, we women don't understand you when you reply with a grunt and a scratch of your manly parts. We don't speak the same language as your species. Try English occasionally please. Thanks.
And chivalry is way beyond dead. It's a like those lost languages. Maybe try to bring it back to life once in a while. You're more likely to win us over that way. It gets our attention faster than your ability to chug back three beers without puking on our shoes.
And no, we're not complicated. You're the ones with no capability of reading between the lines. You're the species with your own bizarre language. Just so ya know.
Oh, and to the men out there who can't take two seconds to reply to a stinking email. Well, you can suck it. Yeah. I said it. Get over it.

I'm pretty sure that's all I needed to spew. Thanks for dealing with it. And me.

Rainbows & Butterflies

My imaginary friend came to see me today.

It's been a while since I've seen him around. But I was glad that he stopped by. We sat in the sun on the patio, sipping lemonade and talking about anything we could think of. A little blue butterfly joined us. It landed on the patio at our feet and I could have sworn it looked right at me and winked.

---

It rained yesterday.

The fields are flooded and the farmers are worried. But stretching from one end of the sky to the other was a flood of colours. I wanted to go looking for the pot of gold they say is at the end but my car didn't have enough gas.

---

Sadly that stuff didn't actually happen.

But that's okay because my butterflies and rainbows are still around. I see them every day now. Just little things here and there that make me smile. The sun peeking through the clouds on a miserable day or the shimmer of the lake in the early morning.

Things are really turning around.

College is set. I start in September. I'm nervous and excited.

Life is fabulous.

I am going to start applying for work in the city soon. Oh dear. It's a daunting task.

Little things make me smile.

I have to meet with an army recruiter. So many questions to ask.

It's all going to be okay though.

That's it, that's all

I just can't figure me out.

Seriously.

There are so many things about me that just don't make sense.

Things like... Why the heck did I say yes to this stupid position at the one job when I really don't like my job there? And why am I putting myself through this?

I have no idea.

Which is why I don't understand myself. 'Course there are other reasons why I don't understand me too.. Just haven't mentioned the lot of them to you guys.. At least not yet.

I hate being stressed like this. I hate being pushed into something. I know I said that in my last post, but it's the honest truth. And I feel like a whiner 'cause this is the only thing I seem to be talking about lately. And maybe it's getting pathetic and repetitive, but not to worry! I'll stop... Soon.

I have made up my mind. I'm quitting the job. Yes, I'm quitting. But seriously, it doesn't feel like I'm giving up. Y'know what I'm saying? So my last day will be June one. Yes, it's not far off. And I'm relieved. Very relieved. I just need to hand in a nice, polite, letter to my boss (he reminded me to do that this morning). Then it's all official. And it'll be a huge load off my mind in the end.

And... I absolutely REFUSE to feel guilty!

Why not? Because I was told that I would only be needed in the position for two, maybe three, months. So I was cool with that. Figured it wouldn't be for long so I could stand to tough it out. Then someone goes and mentions that the lady I'm covering for is going to be gone 'til August one! Are you kidding me?! So that made my mind up for me right then and there.

So when I talked to the other lady just a few days ago she went and put me on a guilt trip. For maybe 30 seconds. If that. She had assumed that I wanted to stay right up until I went back to school in the fall. Um.. Anyone else remember that little saying about making assumptions? So yeah, then she goes and tells me that the other lady (the one I'm covering for, just in case y'all can't keep up :p) is going to be gone until September. Which is where her assumption came in. So now I have to absolutely say: "No thank you!"

Because I'm going back to school in the fall (yeah, you read right) I'd really rather not be stressed out and sleep deprived. I don't know 'bout you guys but I find it difficult to learn anything when I feel all buggered up. Yes, sorry for my language. *shame*

So is it wrong for me to not feel bad about leaving? Or am I pretty well justified?

See why I don't get me?

And that's it. No more on the topic. At least not until I write a celebratory blog on my last day.

Deep down

Things are pretty hectic right now I have to say. But amazingly enough I have the entire morning off today. Weird! I didn't know what to do with myself.

I got just about everything crossed off my to-do list already which is thrilling. Yes, I know, my life is a party. =D

But while I was doing my laundry, working out and making my lunch my mind kept wandering back to one thing in particular. The army. "Why?" You might ask, well I'll tell you why.

Because I'm joining the army. Yes, yes I am.

I find it exciting, not everyone else does though. But before I even made the decision I thought about it a lot. And I mean a lot. I weighed the pros and cons and in my opinion the pros far outweigh the cons. I mean sure I could get shot or something but in my mind I can only think that if I did get hurt it would be while I was doing something good for my country. And I believe very much that getting a chance to do something like that for my country is a great thing. No one wants to get shot, but hey, it's a chance I'm willing to take.

I still have tons of stuff to find out about the army and whatnot yet, but I'm working on it. I know that they offer great careers and that they'll pay for my university. How cool is that? I also know that I will have to go overseas a few times at least. And surprisingly, that doesn't scare me at all. Not even a little bit.

There are plenty of things I don't understand yet, despite my research, things like rankings and such. 'Cause I know I'd like to go through officer training. I wouldn't mind retiring with a pretty good rank. That would be nice. =)

I know that a lot of friends and family don't really get why I want this so bad, but it's really hard to explain how I really feel about it. To me it feels... Right. That's the only way to put it in words and yet it's so much more complicated than that.

I don't want people to worry about me when I do join, I really want everyone to understand why I'm going to do this and when the time comes I'd love to have everyone I love supporting me. Even if they don't really love my choice. But it's incredibly important to me that I have support from everyone I care about.

And I know I'll do well. I have no idea how I know, but I do.

I'm also not totally sure if this is what God really wants for me, I don't know if I've asked Him about it yet. But something deep down tells me that this is the right choice for me.

And that's pretty much everything I have to say for now. But I'll probably write more about this particular topic again, probably quite a bit in the near future.

Love you guys! =)

Sleep? What's that?

Seriously? I know not of this thing you call 'sleep'.

At least not for a long time. Sleep has become a distant memory it seems.

And I do it all to myself. So .. *smackself* And now back to my blog..

So you know how a while ago things weren't looking so great in the job department and I was looking for a new one to replace Safeway. Well, that's no longer necessary. One of the ladies in my department is going away for surgery and will be gone for a few months. So, guess who said yes to being trained like crazy. You guessed right! Me. And I don't know why I said yes.

I mean sure, I like the people I work with at Safeway but it's a stressful environment and a stressful position and at my age I want to avoid too much stress. It ages people way too fast. And I really don't want to get old just yet. I'm too young.

So this position entails extremely early mornings, a high pace and dealing with people who can't seem to figure things out on their own. I'm not kidding about the last one. I've been warned. A few times. Apparently people forget how to do something and they come running to the people in my department. I'm praying that they'll take it easy on me and try to figure things out on their own.

So far I've had about 16 hours of training and maybe that much sleep all week. I'm not going to complain too much though because it's a job and it's money. Which is a lot more than what some people have. So I should be thankful. But good grief! I'm so nervous about this position it's ridiculous! I hate making mistakes and the last thing I want to do in this department is make a mistake. The whole flipping store depends on this particular department running smoothly. No pressure.

I feel like I'm back in school what with all the notes I've been taking. And I still miss things. But I can't really ask anyone to slow down otherwise we'll be behind. And that's not a good thing. Poop.

Why oh why did I say yes??

I had applied at a nice little pet store and I probably would have gotten the job. In fact, I got a call the other day asking if I was available for an interview. I just about cried 'cause I had to say no and that I was no longer looking for a job. I feel stuck. And that makes me hate this job all the more. As if working nights wasn't bad enough. Now I feel like I'm trapped in it. And it's way to late to change my mind about it. So what the heck am I supposed to do? Just suck it up and pray that I get at least a couple hours of sleep a night? If I'm lucky?

And here I said I wasn't going to complain much. But with a lack of sleep and crazy hormones and a pounding headache all I want to do is complain. Oh poop.

It's hard to be optimistic about this. And usually I'm pretty optimistic. But for some reason I just can't summon up enough energy or desire to even try in this situation. Is that a bad thing?

---

And onto other news...

Something happier...

Sort of...

Just last Wednesday I got hit by a deer. There I was, minding my own business and BAM! Bambi comes running up and hits me. What a jerk.

But seriously... I did actually get hit by a deer. But for insurance purposes we'll say that I hit the deer. But we all know the truth. Steph and I had gone out to Riverton to visit the family (we brought a couple friends along for the ride) and we had a super day. Steph and I went and took some pictures, we went to the gym with our mum and had a nice supper with everyone. Then, just before nine o'clock we headed out. Well, barely ten miles out of town I saw the first deer. There's -always- at least two deer. Well, along came Bambi and like I said.. BAM!

I didn't see him 'til he hit me. Stupid deer shattered my driver's window and just about gave us all a heart attack. I scared -him- so bad he shat on my car as he went by. Yuck!

So we came to a full stop pretty quick, I hyperventilated and Steph called Mum. She managed to talk to Mum and calm me down all at once. Amazing! I used several very choice words during all of this.

Finally it dawned on me that sitting on glass is not comfortable and that I could not open my door. So the four of us (our friends tagged along for the ride home too) piled out and got out our phones and iPods to check out the damage. It looked pretty bad, but we really didn't have a lot of light to even see, so what did we know?

Then of course we got the brilliant idea to find stupid Bambi. So running down the highway we went. I almost felt bad for him when we saw what my car had done to him. Almost. But not enough to forgive him for hitting my car. Steph took pictures. It was pretty nasty.

Later I found out that the stupid deer had to be at least a 300 pound buck. Makes me think of that big manly buck from Open Season now that I think about it. Hee hee!

And just the other day I got a call about my car. There was $9000.00 damage on it. Holy smokes!!! Thankfully it's all fixable. Thank you GOD!!!!

People think I should have hit the deer harder or something so I could have written my car off. It is worth over $15000. But honestly, how in the world am I supposed to find the time to even look for a new car? It's a miracle I have the time to write this. I'm actually taking a break from my to-do list right now. Plus, I love my car. It's a good car.

---

Now... I do believe that's all I have to say for today. I kind of hope so... I'm having trouble staying awake anymore.

So have a good night...

And keep your eye out for more of those stupid Bambi's. You -don't- want to be next!

Good night!

Another one already?

Holy cow! I can't believe I'm already putting something new up. Ah well.

The last one was prompted by a music video. This one is more about me and what's going on with me lately. And there's a lot going on.

So I'll start with my jobs... At Shoppers I'm still working in the post office and I seem to be doing alright there. I'm getting loads of shifts which is awesome and now that Christmas is long gone it's all slowed down a lot. And I mean a lot. But it's still nice because I always get six hour shifts for about 4-5 days a week. So that's great. What isn't so great is Safeway. I get one shift a week. Maybe two. And that's it. Sure I was warned that my shifts in file would get cut. But I had thought that they would schedule me for some cashier shifts to replace the ones I would lose. But no. Nothing. So this development has me pondering where I will apply for a third job. Yes, a third job. No, I'm not crazy.

So I'm going to fire up my laptop and update me resume this afternoon. I keep putting it off. But if I post it here then I really can't now can I?

Also, my cousins have finally asked me to pay rent. I've been waiting for them to bring it up. And I'm not complaining. They're more than fair with everything. And I love them to bits for it. =) It's really great having people that care about me around. I'm reminded to eat if I don't. I'm also reminded (not so gently) to go to bed if I've been at work all night. And it makes me all tingly.

Yeah, so what else is new right now?

Well, my friend - er, former friend - had her baby. A bit early but they're both healthy. And the baby is real cute. Makes me sad that I won't get to see her regularly.

Um, let's see... Oh yeah. Starting tomorrow my workouts begin! I'm gonna keep you posted on how those go. =)

And I suppose that's it for now. So I'm going to go eat some lunch and chill with the fam.

Just some thoughts..

For so many years I've hated who I was. Who I am. Which is terrible. God didn't make a mistake. And for way too long I felt like He did. I always felt like the ultimate odd one out. Not quite pretty enough. Not quite smart enough. I never gave myself enough credit. Some days I still don't. And it's not easy fighting those feelings.

Self esteem is such a huge issue with so many girls. Peer pressure and the media are brutal. And sadly, too little is being done to help. Girls are led to believe that the ideal is to be skinny. But that is so far from reality it's ridiculous. You're absolutely perfect just as you are. When you say something hurtful it chips away at that person's confidence. Eventually nothing is left. This doesn't apply to only girls. Boys are always taught to be tough. It's not cool to cry. So it's no wonder that no one notices when they do.

As a person's confidence diminishes depression often sets in. I'm speaking from experience. There were days that I couldn't stand to get out of bed because of the depression I was in. I was fortunate though because suicide never crossed my mind. No matter how bad it got. I know others aren't quite so lucky.

When you feel that pressing sadness deep inside it takes over everything else. You feel like you don't belong, like maybe everyone would be better off without you.

But it's not true.

And it's so sad that our society today puts so much unfair pressure on the youth. Aren't they supposed to be our future?

All of this came up just after I watched a music video. I strongly recommend that you watch it. The song title may throw you off but the video is a perfect example of what too many girls (and boys) deal with today.
- F*cking Perfect by Pink

Of course there are people who might not agree about so many of the things I have said. But before you decide to go ahead and let me know what you disagree with please remember that these are just my thoughts. And really, it doesn't matter who's right or wrong.

Thanks to everyone who has ever picked me up when I've been down. You might know you did it, but I'll never forget it. I love you guys.